Have you ever considered the possibility that we are living our lives as attractions in a zoo, the Zoo of Earth?

Well, me neither, until recently.

As so many things do, the thought arose in a moment of whimsy as a tool to convey a point.  From there, the thought has blossomed into a myriad of exciting, funny, and bizarre theories, none of which have any relevance to the initial point for which the thought was created.

It all started one day in band camp 🙂 (if that sentence doesn’t make sense to you, you need to rent American Pie)

Anyway, I teach moms to breastfeed.  Yes, it’s a real job.  But if you found yourself scratching your head when you read “I teach moms to breastfeed” you are actually not alone.

Because, when you think about it, it is a wee bit strange that an entire occupation (Lactation Consultant) has arisen to fulfill the dire need to teach humans how to do something that is so profoundly germane to our very existence and identity.

After all, humans are mammals.  We are, by definition, creatures who nourish our young via milk produced in our mammary glands – i.e. breastfeeding.

Unfortunately, we humans are smart critters, too smart for our own good.

Where does that leave us?  We are mammals who have forgotten how to be mammals.

My solution – the Alien Zoo breastfeeding method – it really works!

Babies were either made, or have evolved, to breastfeed a certain way.  Unfortunately, using that terminology can get a person in muddy waters.

However, if I say to a person “This is how babies would feed if we were in a zoo on an alien planet….” Even if they don’t believe in the existence of aliens, nobody really seems to take offense at the suggestion of aliens.  Basically, it works equally within a multitude of belief systems.

And, most importantly, it accomplishes my objective, which is to suggest that there is an inherent way that humans (i.e. critters who, by their very definition, lactate) feed their young when you strip us of all the things that interfere with our ability to breastfeed – namely the fact that we humans are too smart for our own good.

Don’t believe me?  Think about it.  Visualize a mom and baby in a zoo somewhere and what do you see?

Mom holds baby 24/7, because if she didn’t, he’d get eaten alive.

Mom feeds baby when he’s hungry, because she doesn’t have a clock to tell her when baby is hungry.  And, since mom is in a zoo on an alien planet she doesn’t have books, so she won’t know enough about human babies to be disappointed when he doesn’t act the way the book said he should.  Nor will she worry if she is breastfeeding in precisely the right position, or whether she bought the right breastfeeding pillow.  She’ll probably just figure out what works, and oh my gosh, not worry about it!

And (yes, here is where I hop ever so quickly onto one of my many soap boxes): Not knowing what a pacifier is, she would most assuredly never worry that her baby is using her as one!

Why is it a soap box of mine?  I’ll tell you why.  Little babies – a few hours old, simply do not have the cognitive wherewithal for manipulative thought.  It is only because we humans are so enamored of our own intelligence that we project upon our newly born offspring the ability for such complex mental thought processes, and promptly resent them for it.

But not the humans in the Alien Zoo on the alien planet 🙂

Anyway, those are only tidbits of the vast lessons to be learned from the conceptualization of “how humans breastfeed while in a zoo on an alien planet.”

That’s how my Alien Zoo theory started.

But then I  got to thinking about aliens and zoos the other way around.  What if we really are in an alien zoo, except that planet Earth is our zoo and we aren’t on the alien planet at all?

Perhaps every day, thousands upon thousands throng to the Zoo of Earth, pay admission, buy hotdogs and elephant ears, and hover about looking at the strange animals.

For the most part, they remain obediently behind their “Do not cross” line and observe the humans without their knowledge.

But occasional miscreants have been known to dart across the “Do not cross” line to taunt the humans.  Some have even taken their vehicles for a brief, tantalizing dip into the atmosphere.

Others, the bravest, danced their vehicles about in the food crops of the humans, leaving behind intricate designs before dashing back to safety and reveling in the mass confusion caused by their antics.

Now, before you tell me that that blows my whole Alien Zoo theory to bits, let me remind you that the Alien Zoo theory of breastfeeding applies to humans who are in a zoo on an alien planet, not the Zoo of Earth.

We already know how humans in the  Zoo of Earth do things, that’s the point!

FANS-ONLYNEWSLETTER!

FANS-ONLY
NEWSLETTER!

GET NEW RELEASE NOTIFICATIONS, EXCLUSIVE SWAG, AND ACCESS TO FAN-ONLY GIVEAWAYS! 

You have Successfully Subscribed!